“Trust me son, in the ass of one pre-historic mosquito there is not an entire dinosaur theme park,” thus began our watching Jurassic Park.
“Six foot turkey?” my boy says-asks.
“Yeah imagine a turkey six feet tall that attempts to gut you with his feet.”
“Are you six feet tall?”
“Yeah. Now that you mention it a turkey as tall as me is a pretty funny thought.”
Thus another one of Jurassic Parks “key moments” has been shattered.
Bored with the build up my boy asks, “How many more movies are there?”
I am hesitant to tell him that there are more and that they only get worse, much the same way that the original Batman movies got worse. Sad movie days indeed. Perhaps Batman and Jurassic Park should have teamed up like Aliens and Predator did for a brief, but nerdawesome moment in Predator II. Danny Glover, really was too old for that shit.
I want to say now that if the helicopter had crashed that there would have been no Jurassic Park II. Think about that. Jeff Goldblum indeed.
Still bored with the build up, which I am inclined to agree with STOP TALKING and lets get on with the dinosaurs eating people, my boy decides to talk to me about the Ender Dragon in Minecraft. It was a short conversation.
Have I mentioned how much I like the acting? “Say again,” Dr. Grant says with a look not of stunned surprise, but like he has the most massive dump to pass and can’t…on second thought maybe that is stunned surprise.
“Most dinosaurs don’t go in herds,” my boy says after watching the scene with the brachiosaurs. He finishes this up with, “I learned that in school.” Glad they aren’t using Jurassic Park for education purposes. I was worried.
He seems overly fascinated by the movie within the movie as he calls the scene where they ride down to the lab. Next time elevator music and save us the poorly executed exposition.
The DNA scene is on and Barb has turned towards us with a look of thoughtfulness or gas. She is big into science, being a Pharmacist in training, and she has pointed out that red blood cells don’t have that much DNA in them. Well Mrs. Smarty pants dinosaurs were bigger, so their red bloodcells which are bigger, have more DNA. There I have solved another Jurassic Non-Sense moment.
“Do you see any white bloodcells?” my boy asks while staring very hard at his chest and arms.
“Where is that little dinosaur’s mom?” yet another good question. I am tempted to answer from the butt of that mosquito, but I don’t.
As another sign of how slow the movie is, he is watching his sister watching Barbie and the Pop Star. Time to bring on the dinosaurs faster!
And the children show up and the movie goes off another rail, guess children are better than Jar-Jar.
“A movie about a giant gorilla that lived behind a wall just like that,” I respond.
“He was inspiration for Donkey Kong,” Barb injects.
Now our boy is hopping around like Donkey Kong. Jurassic fail.
“Are graham crackers tree bark?” Chaos Theory holds nothing for my boy.
This scene hasn’t happened yet, but if you are…
“That’s one giant pile of shit,” my boy repeats the line from the movie.
Sorry thought he was paying attention.
What could be more interesting to a 8-year old boy than a bloody goat leg and a autoerotica….wait animatronic T-Rex? Why the previews on his sisters second Barbie movie. Don’t get me wrong Curious George is a monkey, but we are talking an hour of sitting here waiting just for this scene. This tells me that the pacing for this movie was really off.
Remember those graham crackers? Yeah I was just vacuuming them up off the couch.
“He gets slobbered in a bunch of dinosaur goo.”
Can you guess what scene is on now?
Odd I didn’t know that the dinosaur could open car doors.
And the car falls down the tree.
“Ants don’t taste good,” my boy says. Who knows other than him how this is related to the movie.
Based upon the success of their wire fence, I am thinking chicken wire would be a better and more cost effective way of securing the dinosaurs.
“Are T-Rexes fast?”
Almost as fast as a Jeep. Hey, that could be their new motto: “Jeeps just faster than a T-Rex!”
When I blow into my hands like that I only get a farting sound, a headache if I blow to hard, and wet palms if I spit too much. He gets dinosaurs. Does that make him the dinosaur blower?
Now my boy is trying to make the dino-caller noise. Just like me fart sounds. Flatulencerex maybe?
Why is she yelling at the kindly looking old man who is, was, enjoying his ice-cream? And now without asking she takes some of his ice-cream. Talk about poor manners. This movie is responsible for the downfall of civility.
Covered in dinosaur boogers and she is arguing about being called a hacker in the time when the interwebs didn’t exist…Jurassic Park is that old right?
More exposition to cover up the poorly told story and this time they blame West African Frogs. Not cool. Just blame the Force and be done with it, people are familiar with the Force.
Dialogue on the Cutting Room Floor: “The emergency bunker?! You had one of those all along and you didn’t tell us, give us directions to the nearest one on the tour? Expect a call from my lawyer and not the one just eaten by the T-Rex.”
The T-Rex’s movements are so lifelike I wonder if the guy who did Gollum did the T-Rex as well?
Now my favorite character with trusty shotgun in hand goes off to die. In a movie filled with GIANT dinosaurs a weapon cabinet filled with assault rifles, rocket launchers, grenades, and power armor might be more appropriate than a non-automatic shotgun with an small magazine. If he had picked up the chaingun ala Predator maybe he might have survived.
I think it was so cool to have ninja velociraptors in the movie. Imagine the patience of that raptor to kill Sam Jackson, “Mutherfucking Raptors in Park,” hide his body, then sneak around a dead end room, only to wait for the lights to come on to attack her. Ninja I say.
Jello wiggling is always a sign of trouble to come.
“A cat could open doors like that,” my boy says. Thus proving that HE should have been in charge of design. No lever doors for cats and raptors to open, but honest to deity smooth round door knobs that cats and raptors can’t get purchase on.
Raptor in the walk-in, talk about health code violation. Robert Irvine would have a fit if he saw that in a restaurant.
Screen writer to director, “Uh…I seem to have written the main characters into an unwinnable situation.”
Director, “How so?”
SW, “The last two raptors surround everyone, but the old man and Jeff Goldblum. They have no weapons and have yet to demonstrate that they are smart or clever enough to get away from the raptors.”
D, “Oh. Well we could have Jeff Goldblum survive and make a sequel with him.”
SW, “What about the children?”
D, “They would go quick.”
SW, “I mean in the audience.”
D, “Oh, them. Well you are the writer you figure something out.”
SW, “The T-Rex has been gone the length of a bible how about he comes to the rescue.”
D, “That sounds pretty original. Lets go with that, but make sure Goldblum survives I have plans for his character.”