50 Shades of Slapped and Chopped Balls

Distended testicles.

There, that was your only warning about this post.

Read on at your own peril.

Boy when I tell you I learned a lot today, I do not mean in a lecture. I have a pair of testicles, but the shit I learned today made…well other men cringe. Not me, I am manly with a capital M. I guess if you live with three males of the species, you live in a…

World of Penii*

You have to hear that with the movie trailer guy’s voice. I learned about smacking your testicles on the middle bar of a bike, never happened to me, I learned about distended testicles, and the answer to the question is “SNIP!” Really, I thought you blew into their noses until the ball dropped. Nope, snip. Funny thing is the middle bar of a bicycle was not how I learned that testicles were sensitive, that life lesson came at the end of the foot of a very angry child. Trust me foot + balls = stomach emptying pain is a lesson I have never forgotten. In fact, I am positive I will forget how to ride a bike before I forget a foot to the nuts equals praying for death.

Apocalypse_Mr._KrabsToday was another goofy and fun day in class. Several of the students who only read the first 50 Shades of Gray novel were shocked to learn that Anastasia kills Mr. Gray as the climax of the third book. She gets caught and ends up in jail. Seriously, they did not know that. There are three books in the series, read all of them. Would you like it if the doctor only performed the first third of your surgery? No, you would not. Thus, if there is a series, no matter how poorly written, read the whole damn thing and then people like me cannot tell you outrageous truths about the books you did not read.

tumblr_n90fl0u51d1qb6a2go3_500PK, a fellow student who now has a cool pirate name, got his ball slapped around and put his pussy…cat on display to win the second Chopped challenge. I guess if your ball gets slapped and your pussy…cat is on display you should get some sort of prize or at least a pat on the back.


I haven’t talked about that?

Well, he has a hat with a ball on the end and people like to slap his ball and maybe he likes to have…no, not that.

What then?


Chopped_001Oh. See I talk a lot. Not about me perse, but things and stuff and I made the “mistake” of wondering if Cutthroat Kitchen, Fight  Club, or Chopped could be applied to a class. A professor who shall remain nameless read my wondering and ran with the idea. And then this professor has used other wondering, rants, and questions of mine as Challenges. Now you would think for all of the inspiration I would get a courtesy win or at least a ball slap, but NO! Not a damn thing. I keep coming in second. Do you know who the second place winner is? No you do not. It is ME damn it! And I don’t remember who I am either.

I did? Made all about me again? Really?

Oh, I did.

So, like the show, the professor who shall not be named gives the class “ingredients,” in this case a theme, a media, and an audience to work with. Then within the time limit we create something and present it before the judge who shall not be named who proclaims a winner after listening to our presentations. Just like Chopped some people roll with it and others whine and bitch.

SHUT UP whiners and bitchers! This is the most fun you will ever have in a class or job.

Sorry about that, no I am not. What is the point you ask? A test of our creative muscles (some people need a work out), a way to show off, a fun way to impart some lessons, and there is a prize, the winner does not have to take the final exam. Four challenges total. Two challenges completed with two different winners. If I can pull of two wins in a row I will be the WINNER and people will sing songs of my greatness.

I did it again…well this is my blog after all…fine.

Seems like I found my words from yesterday. 🙂

* Seems there is some debate, online, about the plural of penis. Peni, Penii, Penises, and so on. Penii, pronounced Pee•NIGH cracks me up and thus is my winner.


One thought on “50 Shades of Slapped and Chopped Balls

  1. Pingback: Magical Inspirational Batman (imagine a copyright logo next to the n) | Speaking Out on Life

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