50 Shades of Asking For a Refund

 

I read 50 Shades of Grey and I admit I enjoyed the story. Not the writing. I had to unsee some of what I read. That being said, I admit to being curious about the movie, but not so curious that I had to rush out to the theatre. While all of the women were getting carded, so was I and I did pick up batteries. I could have left the batteries at home. Barb read 50 Shades of Grey more than I did-me one time, her three or four. She knows the books. She knows the books so much that watching 50 Shades of Grey the movie was similar to watching Star Trek with a die-hard Trekkie.

If you don’t know what that is like allow me to share:

  • “They skipped over that.”
  • “Where was the scene where she searches for the tea cups. That scene was intergal to the whole scene with the tea cups.”
  • “They skipped over that scene entirely.”
  • “That’s not the music from the book.”
  • “Well, there was no “Oh Mys.””

And it kept going. I did not have a problem with the movie not matching up with the book. I was hoping that would be the case. My problem was with the whole movie. Steele gets naked repeatedly and Grey takes off his shirt…what the fuck? I wasn’t looking for full frontal from either of them, but his lack of skin really stood out in a movie about sex. Stood out in a way, that for me, really affected my ability to immerse in the movie-you know that thing viewers are supposed to do when watching a film.

Then there was the sex. As the most professional student talking about sex in the room, the sex bothered me way more than his lack of skin, the music, and the dialog delivered from the William Shatner school of acting. Perhaps I have being doing sex wrong all of this time, but I have never taken off my shirt in front of nude woman, NOT touched her and she started hyperventilating with “passion.” I thought Steele was going to pass out from lack of oxygen from the amount of heavy-shallow breathing she kept doing before Grey did anything. And then when he did do something-there was zero passion or excitement in her eyes. Don’t ask me why Mr. Dead Eyes Grey did not bother me…oh yeah, he was in control of everything. But her lack of excitement really reminded me of the podrace scene from Phantom Menace (another fine film…hey maybe 50 Shades could use a Jar Jar), no matter what happened during the race that boy had zero expression. I could discuss the sex, but the sex was not even Cinemax quality.

One last thing, Steele bits and sucks on her lips throughout the whole movie, if you have kids you know when they do that their lips get really dry and that red ring around the lips. Where was hers? Instead of deity knows how long of montages of bland sex and pointless dialog how about one good scene where instead of a spanking he gives her some lip balm.

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