Ah children. Joyous bundles of love and…
- farting over diner
- swearing at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons
- messes of multitudes that you never even think possible until you find yourself cleaning neon pink vomit and wonder what color vomit other food will make
- attitude that resembles that of an adult
- requests so often and in such volume that you may think you are a cook to order diner, high volume warehouse, or Santa personified
Yep, children. For the most part I cannot complain about mine other than they are like the ocean wearing away the shores of my patience and sanity. What I can do though is plan my revenge. What? A parent planning revenge on their children. What is wrong with me? I will tell you in the form of the various revenges I have planned for my children.
All of this happens once they get a place of their own and make no mistake they will not be living with us until they are 30.
Numerous times during the night I will wake them up making loud noises and then when asked say, “It wasn’t me” and point to Barb who will point back at me.
Equally numerous times, but closer to when they just go to bed, I will wake them to ask for a cup of ice water. Upon getting the ice water will whine that I did not want that much ice or not enough ice or that I changed my mind altogether
As many times as possible when they are about to get “busy” I will interrupt them with a loud noise the requires attention, phone call (I will figure it out), or knocking on their bedroom door making a request of water, food, hug, attention, or just to knock on the door and run back to the room I am staying in
During visits, I will request specific food and either not eat it, not eat all of it, declare that it tastes funny, or that I want something other than they have cooked. Should I cook, eat half of the food. I will most definitely wait until everyone is seated to ask for a drink that is in another room, even if I have to put the drink there before dinner
Dinner and important times, such as meeting the significant other will be when I fart, belch, swear and otherwise indicate my pleasure or displeasure through sound and odor. I will take no responsibility for anything I do even when caught in the act
My greatest revenge is in two parts. Part one, a pocket full of clear Legos to drop throughout their house for them to step like I have for years. Part two and more insidious, when they have children do the same thing and now they won’t know who to blame. Further, their children will get loud toys that require lots of batteries
It will take time for me to enact my vengeance and they have been warned numerous times that vengeance is coming.