I thought, before I post the next revision and addition, that some of you might be interested in how I go about editing, revising, and adding content. I know I am always interested in that, but so few writers show what they do and reading about how they “edit” does not convey the same as seeing it. Now, I was going to take a phone and post it, but that looked like crap. So, I am going to try what follows. If you like it and want to see more, let me know in the comments.
Whiskers caught Puddles making her infamous, to him, “Who me” gesture; ears forward, eyes wide, and arms held out. He smirked.
“If you weren’t such a push over we wouldn’t be here,” Puddles said while peeking around a corner.
(Set up this scene better; describe the desk and how they look and are sitting) Three days ago...Doctor Dan (Puddles name for him, have that explained via her inner monologue) looked pathetic and desperate. Puddles could not make up her mind what bothered her more. She understood why, but still have some self-respect, especially when seeking out help. She shook her head to snap herself out of her current headspace. Doctor Dan was a client after all and her feelings about the client, as Whiskers was fond of saying, was not important. Or something like that. Doctor Dan reeked of desperation, a very sharp tang in the air. Yep, that was what bothered her more. Whiskers elbowed Puddles. She did her best to look attentive.
(Need more about their office, hell what kind of operation are they running (note within note: no, at this moment they have not told me what kind of operation they are running) more of the dialog between the characters.
“…and where did you say your daughters are?”
“Tumbledown block with their boyfriends,” Doctor Dan mumbled at their desktop.
“What?” Puddles asked a bit too loud; she was losing her patience with this hound dog. (Puddles slang, how to express that he is not an actual dog?)
“What my associate meant to say, was could you repeat that,” Whiskers coached Doctor Dan.
Puddles let out an exasperated noise, “Yeah that.”
Doctor Dan looked at both of them, his desperation obvious, “Their boyfriends live in a section of Tumbledown. (Established area in Stroud, which tells me that I will continue using Stroud as the location, which establishes for me a cyber-tech society with other aspects such as two weaponized anthropomorphic cats that nobody have a problem interacting with. For those not familiar with Stroud, need to establish what Tumbledown is and why it is a “bad” thing to bring up in a conversation) Near the corner of 5th and East Kira. My girls,” his voice caught as he tried to contain his emotions, “they left a week ago. I haven’t heard from them. The police…”
“Won’t do a thing,” Puddles interrupted. “Familiar story. Okay, we’ll take your case.”
“You will?” Doctor Dan surprised.
“Yeah. So lets talk fees,” Puddles pushed on.
(Do I need to tone down Puddles, does she come across as irritated with limited patience or as an asshole?)
Whiskers put a paw on her arm, a sign to slow down or stop. “Perhaps we should look into his case first,” Whiskers said in that calm, “I know something you don’t” (What does Whiskers know, this seemed like such a “Whiskers” thing to do to Puddles on a rant, but does he know something, if so what?) tone that irritated the hell out her. Puddles cocked her right ear at him while flattening the left. “Fine, we will talk bill later.”
“But…” Doctor Dan (What does Doctor Dan look like) started.
“Yeah, we got this Doc,” Puddles interrupted.
Two days ago… (Set this scene up better too and use this to start establishing that they do not exist in a vacuum, such as leaving SPD station after having talked to one of their police force contacts when…Puddles flipped her phone open, “You got Puddles. Oh hi mom.”
Whiskers smiled, he always enjoyed the mental and verbal gymnastics Puddles had to go through when her mother called unexpectedly.
“Fine. I’m on a case. Yes, on a case. Do you want to talk to Whiskers, he’s right here. Fine. Okay mom. Yes, I will return the frying pan.” With that Puddles closed her phone and gave Whiskers her “what are you going to do” face.
“You really should buy your own frying pan,” he said.
One day ago…Nothing about this case made any sense. Doctor Dan was a doctor, but worked for Titan Industries, part of their pharmacology division (Establish via a written montage of Puddles and Whiskers investigating what or who Titan Industries is, what they discovered or did not discover, more about Dr. Dan, Tumbledown, and the gang at that location. Plus establish more of their world and their connections.). Other than a parking ticket, there was nothing about him. If he had any children neither Puddles nor Whiskers had been able to discover information about them.
Back to the present… (need to reestablish this scene which includes a description of their environment, sure I know Tumbledown is filled with refuse, graffitti, and most of it looks like it could collapse at anytime, but readers do not, also expand environmental descriptions in prior writing)Whiskers stood next to the door listening, paw on his blade. Puddles, pistol and frying pan held ready, crouched next to the door. She looked at him, nodded as he stepped back and kicked the door in.
Puddles rolled into the room, popped up, pistol held out at the crowd staring at her, “Nobody move!”
Then everyone bolted, except two mooks in black who did not look pleased at all. Unfortunately for Puddles and Whiskers, most of the people bolted out of the room through the door she had just rolled through, keeping Whiskers in the hallway.
“So this is how you want to play it,” Puddles said as she leveled the pistol at the mooks.
The discharge of energy, caused her fur to stand up and she wrinkled her nose at the smell of burnt ozone. A purplish-haze popped into existence around both mooks. (Expand this greatly. Cyber is not new, at least not to Puddles and Whiskers, that these mooks have it should be, but Puddles should know the tell-tale signs of a personal shield and be able to inner monologue that for the reader. Related, what other cyber do these two posses and how obvious is it? Plus, where did they get it which could become a story element.)
(how easily can this be merged with existing Stories From Stroud anthology? Ponder between revisions)